Yes to the Dress

Wedding

I worried that I wasn’t going to have that tearful, this is it! moment. That unlike so many television brides-to-be, I wouldn’t know when I’d found my dress. I did know a few things though:

I would rather be comfortable than look ‘skinny’.

I wanted to have a dress that I could wear all night.

I didn’t want to need help going pee.

The hefty price tag of my dress wouldn’t be a bragging right.

I was deeply uncomfortable about the idea of spending half a month’s salary (or more) on a dress, no matter how important.

As soon as you say ‘wedding’ the price soars on most things you can think of: flowers, meals, alcohol prices, photography, shoes, accessories, cards, underwear… and definitely THE DRESS.

It’s hard NOT to feel beautiful in dresses that cost twenty times the price of things you wear in regular life. I liked them ALL, with some exceptions, and I was lucky that my small bust and tall frame meant that if it fit around my body it looked pretty good. I didn’t face the complicated support and lift issues that more ample, curvaceous brides might have to deal with, or issues of hemming. How do you know what dress is the one when they all feel so pretty?

At the time I had red hair and the contrast was striking; pale skin, red hair and cream, off white, blush… satin, lace, tulle… it was a mini nightmare of choice overload.

The aha moment came when I picked up an unlikely candidate in grey – it was a party dress, very theatrical and almost like a ballet costume. As I picked it up, I noticed that its petal pink, blush and oyster counterpart was hanging behind it. I added it to the pile. As soon as I got it on I felt like a little girl, gleeful in my desire to spin. It went quickly from ‘love this’ to ‘maybe this is the one’ to ‘this is it.’

It also really helped that it was less than half the price of other gowns. I let my gut decide and my budget concurred with a sigh of relief. I had been adamant that I wasn’t going to get suckered into a big ticket dress. This dress wasn’t what I thought I’d find, but very strangely, it had everything that I had been looking for: it was not white, it was soft and romantic, interesting and unusual, light, one shoulder, no corset, open back, the illusion of strapless without the constant need to hoist, and even before being taken in it felt magical.

The first look. It felt so light and dreamy. I knew if heels were going to come into play we’d need to stitch in a few extra layers of tulle to add length.

Moment of truth: is this the way I want to feel and look when I walk down the aisle. It seemed too easy. Yes.

Give it a spin. With the full skirt and one shoulder strap I felt certain that dancing all night wouldn’t be a problem. The flowers at the waist were removable, too.

I had a sheepish face on when I realized how excited I had gotten. I guess that’s how you know. Even before alterations, which my mom’s neighbour completed for us at very minimal cost, and adding four inches of tulle layering to the hem, it feel really amazing and so comfortable – like I’d stepped out of a fairy tale. Mine.

It even matched the drawing I had sketched out months before I started the hunt, quite closely.When I was all ‘jacked up’ as they say, even the Iphone photos capture it pretty clearly – this was definitely a dress to which I could say an emphatic ‘yes.’

Three hours to show time. Getting ready at the Grand Hotel.

Accessorized and ready: Something old, something new, something borrowed… something blue not pictured here.

Ultimately, the dress I wore was the right pick, even though many more traditional and some very modern dresses felt beautiful, I went with the one that gave me a thrill. Good luck on your hunt!

It’s Up To You, New York: Honeymoon Part 1

Love

One year ago, we went on our honeymoon. A queer-friendly destination was high on our priority list. We started off in NYC and flew from there to the island of St. Martin (stay tuned for Honeymoon Part 2)… and did we ever have a blast! It was the perfect combo of sweet city heat and sight seeing, paired with relaxed island vibes and natural beauty.

I’m going to list everything as an imperative, but consider it as more of a suggestion. If you have half as much fun as we did, you’ll love New York, too. And yes, in a gay way. Air kisses.

Alison and Allia

Get a great hotel and then spend as little time in it as possible. We stayed at the Wyndham Garden, centrally located in the heart of Manhattan’s Chelsea district. The rooms were small, but very clean and quiet. We were right in the middle of things and the staff was just too sweet to describe.

Hit the streets on foot and fall in love with the strange and wonderful things you find as you take it all in.

Diverge from the beaten path and ignore people when they say it’s too far to walk. We tried to avoid taking transit. You miss so much of the city when you head underground. Unless you have a clock to punch, put on those walking shoes (plus, then you feel no guilt whatsoever about enjoying all the local treats you can stomach!)

Take recommendations. Our friend told us to check out Co. and we were not disappointed. We found awesome local brew and some of the yummiest food of our entire trip. The marinated warm olives had us making nom-nom food noises.

Laugh. We were tuned-in to the humour of the city and the days were made lighter by all of those laugh out loud moments. Gotta love a meatball-specialty shop that doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Eat as many treats and local delicacies as you can find!

Go to at least one fancy place. We went to the Standard Hotel where beverages were $20 US each. Gimlet, anyone? Moscow Mule? Go somewhere where you’ll feel like you’ve pulled the wool over someone’s eyes just by being allowed in. I was definitely under dressed, and felt a bit like a the Anne Hathaway who arrives amidst the fashionistas on day one in The Devil Wears Prada, but got away with an ‘I don’t even give a care’ rock star incognito look.

The Standard felt like the set of a James Bond film, from the stealthy elevator ride up a bazillion stories, to the gilded interior, and the staff are off-duty glamazon models in tiny little whisper-of-nothing dresses; they don’t seat you at tables, they catwalk you there. And the male staff are dressed like the bellhops in the Grand Budapest Hotel. Check out the very racy bathrooms with floor to ceiling windows (in the stalls) and the breath-taking views of the city.

See live music. We went, on the recommendation of a friend. (Thanks, Annie!) to see the performance art piece, Sleep No More, at the McKittrick Hotel; the evening started and ended with cabaret-style live acts and this bombshell songstress who later morphed into a rockabilly crooner. Hello, Jessica Rabbit. http://www.sleepnomore.com/#share

Go see Sleep No More. It bears repeating. Trust me. Just do it. It’s creepy, intriguing, intimate and an immersive experience. You start by putting on a mask, then the fun begins as you’re ushered into a maze of performance and choose your own adventure style artscape. Very voyeuristic, sometimes sexy, sometimes deeply uncomfortable. I got licked… and I kinda liked it.

Be ready to appreciate the surprises, small and large. We arrived home to our room to find a card signed by the hotel staff and some treats; when they realized it was our honeymoon, they wanted us to feel the love.

Don’t sleep all day. We went to the Chelsea Market almost daily to try different foods and to wander. We ate at Giovanni Rana and were seriously spoiled by the staff. On that particular day it seemed that everyone wanted to give us free stuff. We graciously accepted. Chelsea Market website: http://chelseamarket.com/

Drink Champagne. Cheers often.

Don’t get too caught up with a plan. be open to seeing where the day takes you. Follow your whims and enjoy the ‘not knowing’ where you might wind up next.

Take photos to remember the experience, but don’t spend all your time behind a camera lens. Also, pack clothes that will make you feel amazing – in physically and mentally. Comfort is key, but so is feeling great once you get out there. It’s my firm belief that your cute clothes (like fine china) should not be ‘saved’ for later.

Put yourself in the scene. Stop and ponder. Do what the locals do, but don’t be afraid to be silly. Allia needed a break, and just happened to look adorable sitting there. We took this photo on the Highline (one of our favourite places). There is so much to see and do and the concept of the Highline itself, of reclaiming urban space, is awesome. Check out the website: http://www.thehighline.org/

Get a map and pick a direction. See what happens on the way.

We found a soap and beauty product shop that gave us free treatments and hand massages just for stopping in. Say yes to those fun indulgences and don’t be afraid to leave when you’re ready to move on.

Visit an art gallery or museum. The New School had an exhibit that was free to the public: a politically charged collection that commented on history and current events, while examining censorship.

Take a break if your feet are sore or someone gets hangry. (not naming names, here).

Have a cocktail. Try something new. Muddled blackberry somethin’ somethin’. Enjoy happy hour.

Meet up with friends who are in town! We went to a Dessert Club, Chika Licious, where we had several courses of dessert paired with wines. We were met by old friends from New York, and a Toronto ex-pat.

Indulge. Coconut marshmallows. Lavender shortbreads. Chocolate ganache with hazelnut and sea salt.

Do something spontaneous. Just say, okay. Or in my case, say ‘stop the car!!’. We were driving around Alphabet City when I noticed a human sized bird’s nest in a tree, a whimsical tree fort, in the middle of a park. We made a pit stop, obviously.

Soak up some culture. We went to the famed Newyorican Poets Cafe for an open mic poetry slam. It was incredible. I am hard to impress when it comes to live performance, but I was mind-blown by the talent and energy we saw that night. This is a not-to-be-missed experience. http://www.nuyorican.org/

Eat pizza while you wait in line. Share some and swap stories with the people you just met.

Get into it. Really, you’re on vacation, so have a good time. Let go of your preconceptions and be in the moment. I didn’t know what to expect and the slam poets had such range that at times I was laughing til I got the hiccups, at others I sucked in my breath in shock, while some moments left my eyes brimming with tears.

Eat at a diner.

Take a selfie, and wear some punchy lipstick 😉

Rent a bike and ride around Central Park.

Eat at places that are suggested by friends, or sound intriguing. Bar Bacon sounded like it would be right up our alley… Beer and Bacon pairings!?! But the service sucked. Like REALLY sucked. Don’t get discouraged. It can still be fun, even if you hit a bit of a snag, or a diva server.

Try, try again. Not on our recommended list, we ended up walking by this Mexican place with a great crowd and followed our bomb of a bacon tasting appetizer experience with a truly memorable Mexican main course at El Centro (http://www.elcentro-nyc.com/). We loved it. The food was plentiful, the vibe was fun and we spotted an Orange Is The New Black cast member just a few tables away.

Go to the places everyone raves about. We went to Amy’s Bread because my brother said it was delish. We had olive oil ice cream, dark chocolate gelato and a slice of olive oil cake with lemon. Please … do this if you have the chance! And chat with the wonderfully friendly staff.

Make friends with a local. Turn an ‘uh-oh’ moment into a good one when Allia’s backpack strap broke and we were forced to track down a leather repair shop. We ended up meeting this new friend.

What a charmer.

Don’t let minor set-backs ruin your day. Retrospectively, this little detour wasn’t a big deal. See, Allia, I can admit it.

Do the big touristy things. Voila, Brooklyn Bridge. But maybe, pick an overcast day to walk the sucker.

Share meals. If you want to eat often, avoid feeling stuffed, and to try lots of different places – eat your way around the city and share, share, share. Splitting meals, like the one we enjoyed at Bevacco (http://bevacco.com/), was a great way to keep up our energy and let us sample the variety on offer in one of the foodiest cities in the world. We loved the decor of Bevacco and their Italian fare was pretty scrumptious.

Bevacco (http://bevacco.com/).

Get one really special thing that you wouldn’t normally indulge in. This is the one that got away. This Vince Camuto statement piece has been on my mind ever since I restrained myself and didn’t buy it. Get yourself a souvenir that you’ll really love – each time you see it you’ll remember where you first met.

Enjoy a home cooked meal. Friends invited us out to Jersey for the evening. We were spoiled with Oysters Rockafeller and a spread of mouth-watering food, then we played after-dinner games and caught up with old friends.

Find a hole in the wall. We went to Cubby- Hole – a little dive bar in the LGBTQ scene. It was pretty memorable in a campy way.

Do something that is personal. For me, as a grad of the Sexual Diversity Studies program at U of Toronto, seeing the Stonewall Inn was a must on my NYC list. This is where it all started. The people who fought for our rights back in 1969 are the reason we can even be on this honeymoon. Thank you.

Get emotional. I did. Whatever your heart’s issue is, when you get there you’ll feel it. We spent our last night in New York watching drag queens and appreciating our history.

We did love New York. The city was the perfect start to a two part honeymoon. Stay tuned for the next leg of our journey – shifting to island time on beautiful St. Martin.

Letter to a Trans* Stranger:

Open Letters

I wrote this letter, reaching out into the internet, in response to a post where the comment section had gone pretty rancid. An acquaintance had posted a rather poorly framed ‘response article’ to Caitlyn Jenner’s coming out coverage. See link: http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/coffeehouse/2015/06/call-me-caitlyn-or-else-the-rise-of-authoritarian-transgender-politics/

They posted without context and without clarifying that they, in fact (I assume?) are supportive of Trans* people… without providing details about what parts of the article they agreed with or found worth sharing.

The comments descended into the personal, the angry, the threatening. It seemed like a few of the ‘Friends’ of the original poster were on their own, fighting an onslaught of entitled, very vocal dissent about a person’s right to self-identify and have that identity (and pronouns) respected. One man in particular seemed to be getting beaten down relentlessly for daring to stand up for himself and his identity. So I (cowardly?) sent him a personal note.

—————

Hey Landon,
We don’t know each other but I wanted to voice my support, more personally than on a public thread. I read XXXX’s post, the one about Caitlyn, and the feed of increasingly inflammatory comments below.
I wanted to reach out to say that the community and so many of its members DO support you. I support you. The few who don’t are part of a generation who has not learned to connect their struggles and privilege with a broader history of oppression and the rights movement. They don’t know what they don’t know. That isn’t an excuse, but a sad fact. They feel entitled to opinions that disregard the fact that the only reason they HAVE the right to that opinion is because other people, before them and around them, have struggled to insulate them and give them privileges. You would think that having experienced oppression, you’d fight tooth and nail to end it for ALL, but some people don’t extend that concept beyond their own immediate circle.

We’ve never met, but to me the T* in LGBT (QQI2, etc), is as vital to the acronym as any other letter.

I’m a lesbian, queer cisgender woman and I applaud each and every diverse individual who puts themselves out there to live life authentically. And hope for each person who isn’t there yet that the efforts of those living OUT in their lives will pave the way for the rest.

I am grateful to the queer people who fought harder than I ever had to, making it possible for me to be out, as a young person in high school and now as a teacher in a public school system. Lesbians and Gay men, and any of us who pass in our day to day life, should be endlessly grateful to those who visibly push the boundaries. Trans* people and gender queer individuals are bearing the brunt of society’s sad, but still present animosity, violence and hostility – physically and emotionally absorbing the worst of what intolerant people throw towards OUR community. I recognize that I have privilege because more visible minorities, like many trans people, now experience/are experiencing what Lesbian and Gay people went through 15 years ago.

We should be allying ourselves with you, to bring the conditions for ALL people to the same standards enjoyed by the majority. I’m just not comfortable with the idea that these are separate fights.”L-Word lesbians” and GBFs would not be living as comfortably as they are now if it were not for the targets on the backs of people living further outside the ‘norm’. I get to feel ‘more normal’ because the trans community, assexual community and other identities are bearing the burden of society’s slow-moving education, intolerance and lack of awareness. I hope that makes sense.

Long-windedly … what I’m trying to say is that I’m on your side. I cannot know what it is like to be in your shoes. But I want to hear and share and validate your experience. And to thank you for your bravery. And to apologize that I even have to ‘thank you for the bravery’ of being yourself. Because it should not be this hard. And to make it easier, you should at least be able to rely on people who should know better – to have your back.

—————————-

Some of the coverage is obviously satire, like good old Penny http://www.gallerynews.com/current/you-cant-change-your-sex-and-thats-final-says-eminent-psychiatrist/

but subtlety can be tricky. And anger is so much more obvious. When it’s you in the cross hairs, its about more than tropes and disembodied politics. It’s life and death. Your life.

As Alix Olson says,

“Sometimes anger’s subtle, less rage than sad

leaking slow, through spigots you didn’t know you had

and sometimes it’s just, ‘Fuck you… fuck you’

You know, and to me, that’s poetry, too.”

The World Welcomes Caitlyn with Mixed Reviews of the Reviews

Open Letters

Two, of many great articles, present contrasting perspectives on the world’s introduction (or re-introduction) to Caitlyn Jenner.

Vanity Fair features Caitlyn on their cover, in a shoot with Annie Leibovitz, releasing the first images of this new Trans* icon.

http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2015/06/caitlyn-jenner-bruce-cover-annie-leibovitz

In response to the flurry of praise and adulation, and mostly subdued shock and nose-turning-up, NoWooWoo.com posted a thought-provoking response, asking whether we are missing the point and possibly failing to acknowledge the continued bias in our media to glorify privileged, powerful people`s journeys – while under-reporting the lived experiences of those without the means to glamorously realize themselves and their identities.

http://nowoowoo.com/things-we-shouldnt-celebrate-about-caitlyn-jenner/

First, I think Bronwen (NoWooWoo.com) is a brilliant writer and have shared much of her (your) writing with my students. Big fan. So, please consider this small criticism in that context.

I definitely agree with much of the critique of the media`s coverage in NoWooWoo`s article, especially the irony of Timbaland’s quote.

I agree that class and race, and certainly privilege play into this discussion and the media’s coverage, but to wave away the hugeness of this coverage, even slightly, by saying that her whiteness is a reason it shouldn’t get ‘column inches’ is maybe unfair. Is it? I wonder a little. She didn’t choose her birth gender, or her race. One of these she has been able to fix so that her identity is cohesive.

I’d be more inclined to agree that more column inches shouldn’t be given to any of the Kardashians. But if a white woman is getting press, I’m happy its advancing the visibility of queer/trans* people and the LGBTQ community – even if the person’s race, class and power make them part of a privileged group. She is so much more than class, race and gender categories can fairly capture. So, I’d argue she’s not ‘just’ another beautiful, white woman on the cover of a magazine. She has the means to pursue her transition in a way that many are barred from due to lack of resources, access and communities supporting them. However, Caitlyn has a lot to lose and is going to be subjected to the worst vitriol that the social media world has to offer.

With fingers crossed that the world will be kind, I try to maintain a bit of empathy, mixed with pride at her bravery, and just hope she’ll use the platform to move the bar forward for those with less visibility and voice.

Positive Space Project

Open Letters

Halton District School Board’s newly-launched Positive Space initiative.

It’s finally here! The work that I’ve been producing with a team at HDSB is now live as a resource for teachers and support staff: The Positive Spaces Resource Guide has been a year in the making and represents a commitment to educate and empower queer teachers and youth, to help promote proactive and culturally responsive teaching and to build positive spaces for young people to learn and grow. Inclusion in our curriculum is a first step. Having teachers in our classrooms who know how to make that happen is key.

Two steps forward. Sometimes you can have your cake. And it’s delicious.

How sweet it is.

Introduction: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1J5hhNy4jgJFD95ZFWI0SbmCOL2K_t4qMr83HuKJ0fm8/pub?embedded=true

Positive Space: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e7eSQqlFtJCHYXQaYLOz7hu42wPDrIS80sqRbV8ZNL0/pub?embedded=true

A Queer Inclusive Classroom: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lIYZAeZbTkVSZHwlz7TP0B-bMazjUBUtF7M7MpTqo7c/pub?embedded=true

Language: A Glossary Of Terms: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HEQ2pN7XwTZDi2fHUqJLR71f7KyeCYTTfj9oHxSu4f8/pub?embedded=true

Policy and Law: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UOL-tGPOl7LkdZ81H33ZWSrtAtDxAPeILeMdeQJbhe0/pub?embedded=true

Admin: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YSsU6MXwgPawUaR1Z5kPK-HqXf5mUaHMDT3uCqz-ijE/pub?embedded=true

Resources: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VbYnXDpN1wBK_2Mr7OBVDrRwD6UVsgZVLGlJryagiLQ/pub?embedded=true

Gender: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TcXGtHd23cBYM9pe68GFIGSUtAODd1eIPqhKg53Jwzc/pub?embedded=true

Say Yes: Step 1 of Dress Shopping – Inspiration

Wedding

Before our wedding I found myself immersed in the “Say Yes To The Dress” frenzy of looking for the perfect one, while simultaneously being repelled by the astronomical price of these one-time-only frocks. As a fan of vintage and re-used clothing, of hand-me-downs from my mom and grandma, as well as the ‘look longingly with a sigh’ window shopping of online and magazine page-turning… I was at a loss for an answer to the big question: how can I find a dress that is personal, unique and beautiful, at a price that I can feel comfortable about (knowing that I’m on a self-imposed budget AND that I’m likely to spill something on myself… cause that’s just the kind of girl I am)? I culled inspiration from all sorts of places: Etsy, Pinterest, Bridal Magazines (given to me in stacks by previously married friends). I was definitely also interested in a second-hand gown from one of the many dress donation charities. But, where do you start?

I Pinned. Well, first I drew. I sketched my perfect dress. Then I started a folder of Pinterest images and tore out pictures from magazines until I had a really clear sense of what I was drawn to. Then I started to distill that down to what I liked AND could see myself in. What looks great in pictures doesn’t always mean that it’s a good fit for you, your body, your wedding venue, etc. I also had the added challenge of finding a dress that would coordinate with the UNSEEN dress my wife would be wearing.

Guiding words: romantic, whimsical, vintage, soft, comfortable to dance in. Like a vintage photograph or a bouquet of faded flowers. Key colours for our day: Blush, taupe, cream, gold and pewter.

Confident that our visions were aligned, and with my sister-in-law as the go between stylist, we set out. Ultimately, when I look back, the dress I got was strangely similar to my original sketch, even though I’d put it in the back of my mind once we started looking at actual dresses. From start to finish. Here is some of the inspiration and the final result.

I loved the idea of a low back and looser fit. Flowing fabric and a dance-floor-floor friendly cut.

Something vintage with a bit of glimmer and glitz. I loved this look, but worried (after years of dance competitions) that sequins are both hot and scratch delicate upper arms!

Something vintage-inspired with a bit of glimmer and glitz. I loved this look, but worried (after years of dance competitions) that sequins can be hot, and make the dress weigh a ton, but also have the potential to scratch delicate upper arms!

Sweet and simple. Eden // Rose Gold Sequinned, Backless Wedding Dress
$1,850.00 CAD – Truvelle

Romantic wedding dress with a floral belt and fluttery sleeve.
$413.12 CAD
Barzelai

Fall Brittany Wedding Dress Gown-Gorgeous A-line champange sweetheart floor length
$2,754.13 CAD
TingBridal. I absolutely love the colour and vintage feel of this dress. The soft hem and peplum, with the sweetheart neck seemed in keeping with our vintage theme.

Low-back Grecian draped by Whitesrose

Gorgeous detailing and intricate back: a little exotic, a little art-deco. Inspired Wedding dress reception dress flapper alternative backless dress. $749.87

This dress has a very theatrical flare that reminds me of ballet costumes… and actually resembles quite closely the dress I ended up purchasing. Strapless tulle and organza princess wedding dress. Lemandywedding.

Sweet Gatsby detailing and flattering cut. French Lace Cap Sleeve Empire Waist Sweetheart Neckline Wedding gown,Illusion Neckline, Layered Chiffon Skirt, The “Isabella” Gown by Schone
$2,724.09 CAD

I fell in love with the delicate, fragility and texture of this ecru coloured gown. The flattering detail at the bust and the irregular hem was so reminiscent of a ballet costume that I almost caved and ordered it online. Alice- Silk Chiffon Wedding Gown
$3,317.48 CAD
Leanimal

Full length.

Starting to notice a trend in fabric, cut and back detailing. Ruffled Silk Wedding Dress – Lori
$625.94 CAD
SaintIsabel

Very Duchess of Cambridge: This one has it all… flow, shape skimming cut and romantic details.

The bigger the skirt, the … harder to get through a crowd. This cupcake dress was, surprisingly, the furthest thing from what I thought I’d want, but when I started trying on dresses, I found that these dresses really produced the lash-fluttering effect I’d been hoping for. Maybe all that time in dance costumes had an impact after all!

Seeing some similarities emerging: off-white, soft skirts and layers, sweetheart necks, bare shoulder(s) and back, waist details… Custom Wedding Gown- Summer Sunshine-Alencon lace and tulle A-line floor length wedding dress-made to order: $2,253.38 CAD
TingBridal

Sometimes the photos I was drawn to were more about the mood: Romance and a story, told through the details. This pic has a timeless quality and softness that exudes intimacy, despite the wide-openness of the setting.

Proof in the pudding – the inspiration found its way into the final choice.

My tulle-skirted, one shoulder gown, in blush, with a paper bouquet and Granny’s vintage fur. Photography: Sweetheart Empire.

Soft? Check. Romantic? Check.

And the palette worked out perfectly, even with our bridal party, who all wore different variations of our colour scheme. Timeless, but so now. I love these photos as much a year later as I did on the day. But, I’m biased.

And the details came together beautifully, even though we hadn’t seen each other’s dress before hand. Photography: Sweetheart Empire.

Stay tuned for Step 2 and 3, as well as future Wedding Planning posts.

Sex Education: Proactive Ed for A Healthier, Happier Society

Open Letters

I never send out ‘Like’ requests, but this is something I feel passionate about. Ontario’s government wants to update their antiquated Health and Sex Ed Curriculum. This is a VERY good thing. However, many parents are protesting, due to religious views, concern for age appropriateness, or general discomfort with schools teaching their kids about things like ‘gasp!’ CONSENT, DIVERSE IDENTITIES AND SEXUALITY, SAFER SEX PRACTICES, and GENDER IDENTITY. If you live in a country where diversity is protected, that means you don’t get to erase us, marginalize us and pretend we don’t exist when you teach children about their bodies and their relationships. Your child is who they are and pretending people like me don’t exist won’t ‘protect’ or ‘prevent’ your child from becoming a queer person, a gay person, a trans person. We already ARE these people. Discussing a variety of identities builds respect. The only thing these conversations change is how people are treated and what kind of future kids have. Including informed, balanced education on these topics will prevent generations of children from facing voicelessness, ignorance, discrimination and the gross, misinformed views that have hurt, not helped, diverse people. We should strive to create a society where no child is afraid to tell the people they love who they are, and where (more generally) sexual violence, abuse and pressure to conform, which create dangerous situations for young people, are replaced by support, confidence, informed choices and respect between consenting individuals. If you can’t get behind a less homophobic, transphobic society, at least (I would assume) you are in support of a less rape-y one. This is crucial in a world where violence, assault, exploitation and pressures of all kinds exist for people of all ages. Pretending sex doesn’t exist in our world creates easy targets with few support systems. Talking about sexuality, consent and identity can help to raise critical thinkers who make choices that positively impact youth, their relationships and, ultimately, their communities.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/People-for-Ontarios-Sex-Ed-Curriculum/108307772833627?notif_t=fbpage_fan_invite

LGBTQ Youth Activism

Open Letters

This is a love letter to Progress. I hear things all the time that add to the collective sigh of my soul: parents protest new sex-education bill (that includes consent, safer sex practices, healthy relationships, and diverse identities), another black man has been killed by law enforcement, more and more of the things that make us question whether things are getting better. To counter that, we have moments of joy.

Our LGBTQ conference being spotlighted in the local media is so wonderful and inspiring. My students had a brilliant day, leading workshops and I shared a seminar called My Big Gay ~~Wedding~~ Life, where I spoke about the coming out process, getting jobs, coming out to family and co-workers, education and ultimately, finding a career I love and being ‘out’ in the classroom.

Check out the article here:

Hundreds attend Oakville LGBTQ+ conference at Iroquois Ridge High School

Iroquois Ridge High School hosted Inside and Out- Loud and Proud: Can You Hear me Now?, the Halton district school board’s annual Gay-Straight Alliance conference for Grades 7-12. Here, during a workshop about reconciling being LGBTQ+ and being religious, L-R Jade Pichette, Rabbi Andrea Myers, Rev David Lewis-Peart, Rev Chiedza Pasipanodya, Yogi Akal, and Eh-Farouk Khaki lead the session.

Hundreds attend Oakville LGBTQ+ conference at Iroquois Ridge High School

By David Lea

Hundreds of LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer) students from across Halton and beyond celebrated equity and diversity at the Halton District School Board’s (HDSB) annual Gay-Straight Alliance Conference.

The event was held at Iroquois Ridge High School last Thursday (April 23).

Dubbed “Loud and Proud: Can You Hear Me Now,” the conference was intended to give LGBTQ+ students an opportunity to connect, examine various issues facing the LGBTQ+ community and have fun.

“It’s not just about creating safe spaces anymore. It’s about celebrating who people are and getting out there and being visible and being active in the community,” said Robert Stenekes, Equity and Inclusion Education Student/Community Facilitator with HDSB.

“It’s local in that sense, but also we really help to broaden the students’ global perspective on what’s happening with LGBTQ+ issues around the world. We have a really good framework for what’s happening here in Canada, but that’s not necessarily the case in the rest of the world.”

The conference attracted more than 300 students.

Many came from schools throughout Halton’s public board, but some also came from the Halton Catholic District School Board and Appleby College.

Other participants arrived from schools as far away as Brantford.

The conference featured a poetry slam and musical performances, but also community booths where students could learn about local LGBTQ+ activities and connect with advocacy groups.

“This is super important because there are so many people in Halton, and youth in Halton especially, who identify in the LGBTQ+ range. I think sometimes it is very hard for them to find resources,” said a student from Assumption Catholic Secondary School, who is also a member of the Positive Space Network.

“I’m trying to start a (Gay-Straight Alliance) GSA at my school, so having these resources is extremely helpful and coming here and having all the different booths gives me a lot of information about how to do that.”

The 15-year-old said her group is also looking to open a LGBTQ+ Youth Centre in Halton and came to the conference to survey students to find out what they would like to see at such a centre and what it would take to make them feel safe there.

She also noted an LGBTQ+ youth drop-in event takes place every second Tuesday of the month at Mountainside Recreation Centre, 2205 Mount Forest Dr., in Burlington, from 5-8 p.m.

A connecTions social group for gender independent; trans-identified youths and their families/caregivers meets the first Wednesday of the month at the Positive Space Network offices at the Reach Out Centre for Kids (ROCK) at 504 Iroquois Shore Rd., unit 12A, in Oakville.

Another booth featured representatives from Egale: Canada Human Rights Trust, Canada’s national LGBTQ+ human rights organization.

The group is best known for its campaign, which helped bring same sex marriage to Canada in 2005.

Egale now works to advocate for the creation of safer spaces within the community for LGBTQ+ people.

Egale representative Jeremy Dutcher said events like the conference are important particularly when a 2009 national research survey conducted by the group found two out of three LGBTQ+ students do not feel safe in their schools on a daily basis.

“When I was going to school, there were really no supports for myself as a gay student in the school,” said Dutcher.

“To have opportunities for students to come together in a safe environment where there can be peer-to-peer learning happening is really, really important.

“They can share success stories about what is happening in their GSAs and how to support each other in that sense,” he continued. “We see the value just by the students walking by and the looks on their faces and how excited they are to be here because it really is an incredible coming together of some awesome folks working for social justice and working for change in their school community.”

The conference also featured workshops on topics such as: healthy and unhealthy relationships, sexual health, how LGBTQ+ experiences overlap with disability justice, how popular and rock music has challenged traditional gender norms.

Another workshop featured a dialogue between representatives from different faiths and from different spiritual perspectives on the intersections of religion and LGBTQ+ identities.

The workshop was intended to show the youths attending they did not have to choose between their sexuality and their religion, and there is room for both, according to organizers.

The day ended with students dancing during a “Waack Revolt” and with parting words from HDSB Associate Director Stuart Miller.

Miller spoke about a bullying situation he had been made aware of during his time as a vice-principal in which some boys had urinated on another youth’s clothes.

The matter was investigated and the boys responsible were ultimately punished.

Miller said there were two heroes in that story — one was the boy who witnessed the incident and spoke up about it and the other was the victim who refused to let what happened get the better of him and who continued to be who he was and follow his dreams.

“There are two messages I want you to take from this story. The first is never ever suffer in silence. Go to somebody and if you see someone suffering in silence you help them,” said Miller.

“The second message is always help those that seem in distress or in need. You guys, by sitting here, are making a statement to this community, to Halton, to the world that you believe strongly in human rights…. There are countries in this world where gay people are still oppressed and face severe consequences just for who they are. “By being here today you are standing up to those oppressive regimes… you are making a statement,” he added.

The conference received positive reviews from students who attended.

A 17-year-old M.M. Robinson High School student called the conference inspirational and said it has given her considerable insight on what others in the LGBTQ+ community have gone through.

“I always had a supportive family. Seeing how other people are not supported in this has kind of helped me think about how I would like to make a difference,” she said.

Another student also described her experience as positive.

“I’ve had so much fun today. Hearing all the different presentations at the start of the day was awesome. There was slam poetry that was amazing,” she said.

“I just came from a workshop that was interfaith and hearing from all these different people about their views was absolutely amazing. It’s just wonderful to be here.”

The Times, They Are a Changing

Love, Open Letters, Wedding

All photos from my own wedding are courtesy of Kate O’Connor at http://sweetheartempire.com/

—

Anyone who grows up … in North America, knows the story. You grow up, you fall in love… you get married. I certainly applaud those who challenge the narrative and, yes, there are problems with ‘the institution,’ but one of the things that shows how much progress we have made, as a nation (Canada and others) is the right to choose. Marriage. No, we are not defined by our decision to join our life with someone else, and yes, you can be whole and fulfilled without being paired, or procreating. But for so long, queer relationships were defined by their inability to participate in the beautiful, emotionally fulfilling, symbolic step of sharing the joy of your relationship with those you love and having your community show their support for that union.

Today I saw an article about a dazzling couple, who celebrated in a fusion of Western and Indian traditions: http://the-daily.buzz/americas-first-indian-lesbian-wedding/?ts_pid=2

This beautiful couple has helped to raise the profile for couples everywhere who want to marry the one they love, while celebrating their culture.

And the diversity is plain to see.

A colourful union, between two brides with a female officiant.

Two traditional dresses challenge the ‘who is wearing the tux’ assumption.

Playing with conventions and gender in a classic pose.

Hard landscape, sweet emotion.

Picture perfect little love birds.

Tattoos and lace, faux-hawk and a smitten grin.

One of the most beautiful parts of any wedding are the small details and traditions that couples integrate into their special day, to reflect their relationship, interests and cultures. For queer couples, although many face sadness and hardship around life moments that can bring difference and non-acceptance into harsh contrast, there are (at least) two things to be very thankful for: they have found the person they want to join their life with, and they have a chance to shape new traditions and challenge existing ones that might seem like a given for heterosexual couples.

Here are a few highlights from our special day.

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Allia didn’t want us to see the other’s dress. So it was an incredible surprise to see how beautifully our dresses complimented one another; and seeing her for the first time made my jaw hit the floor. She got to decide that I would walk first, accompanied by my father, while her brother escorted her, second, down the aisle to meet me.

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It was hard for us not to have her parents involved in the wedding, so we turned the traditional father daughter dance into a ‘first dance’ with someone you love. I danced with my amazing dad, and she danced with her siblings to “Stand By Me.”

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We had our friend, Riaz, an unordained ‘un-officiant’ perform our ceremony. Including some humour, our delightful friend married us from atop an apple box, because we are both 5’10 and … my wife met Riaz when they both worked in the film industry.

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The music was varied and personalized, with French and “Midnight in Paris” inspired music during the pre-ceremony, Bossa-Nova and Bossa-Marley (a throwback to our time in Spain) during cocktails. We both insisted that our dresses be comfortable enough to dance in, and we had a roaring dance party to celebrate, with tunes from Oldies (which we love to cook to), to indie-electro and some Bob Marley (of course, for her Jamaican heritage).

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We opted for a converted historic church building, with the sunlight streaming in.

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There was a surprise during dinner: amidst the childhood photos and slideshow – a video of our proposal. An onstage karaoke request for her hand in marriage. We had wine cork wreaths and all of our bridesmaids carried handmade paper bouquets by a local artisan.

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We decided to forgo the awkwardly posed shots and, instead, to go SUPER posed, for a Vanity Fair/Netflix inspired editorial look. All of our bridal party members got to choose their own attire, from a palette of colours for a vintage, soft look, with a cohesive, romantic tone. We wore two of my grandma’s vintage furs, and all of the bridesmaids were able to re-wear their dresses. Given that there was no ‘groom,’ we had no ‘groomsmen,’ but each of us had our brother step in as our ‘best man.’

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There is a special place in our hearts for our gay boy friends; our ‘g-ushers’ helped to usher in the guests (except for my brother-in-law), and wore handmade bow ties made by one of my former students.

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What is more fun than some rubber masks? As a late-night surprise, to go with the arrival of the poutine bar, panda, giraffe, unicorn, owl and horse masks turned up on the dance floor. It was the weirdest, most magical dance party, as well as tying in some of the animal themed elements from the day and creating some great candid shots.

StyleSaVie

Life lived beautifully.

lgbtq

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It’s Up To You, New York: Honeymoon Part 1

Letter to a Trans* Stranger:

Positive Space Project

Say Yes: Step 1 of Dress Shopping – Inspiration

Sex Education: Proactive Ed for A Healthier, Happier Society

LGBTQ Youth Activism

Hundreds attend Oakville LGBTQ+ conference at Iroquois Ridge High School

Hundreds attend Oakville LGBTQ+ conference at Iroquois Ridge High School

The Times, They Are a Changing